1. About six weeks before moving day, inform your spouse that it makes more economic sense for you to go ahead and get to the new town to get a head start at the new job and keep the $$$ coming in.
2. About four weeks prior to the move, pack your bags and head to the new town for the month. Assure your spouse that you will be back for long weekends. Leave all three kids with her. This will keep her from feeling lonely and give her something to do while she's packing up the entire house by herself.
3. For a cleaner Step 2, throw a couple boxes of breakables in the back of your car. This makes you appear helpful and gives the illusion that you are helping with the move.
4. Once in your new town, alone, be sure to hang out with with the guys every chance you get. Try to attend baseball games and other events where beer can be found.
5. Try to sound tired when your spouse calls to check on you. This gives the appearance of having worked very hard to support the family.
6. You will need to return home eventually. When you do, try to see to it that you spend quality time with kids and friends. This plays to the sympathies of your spouse, making it more difficult for her to make you help her pack as she thinks you're being a good family man.
7. Enhance Step 6 by having friends throw you a going away party on one of the weekends just before the big move. You can't spend all day packing if you have a big party to go to that night.
8. Tell the grandmother (also referred to as "Alternate Care Giver" or "ATG") that you would like for her to make the big move with you. Insist that she stays with you the entire first week. This accomplishes two objectives. One, it makes your spouse happy because spouses like having their moms around, and two, it accomplishes steps 9 through 16.
9. The day before the big move, take all the car seats out of the family van and carefully fill it with all the clothing of your entire family.
10. Carefully insert said car seats into the ATG's vehicle.
11. Be sure to have a third car that must be transported to your new locale. This way, there can only be one adult per vehicle.
12. Inform your ATG that she would not feel safe driving your van full of clothes as you can't see the road through the rearview mirrors.
13. After the moving van is fully loaded with all the stuff your spouse packed all by herself, quickly jump in your vehicle, cause spouse to jump in the other vehicle and send the kids to your new locale with the ATG.
14. Enjoy four hours of peace and quiet.
15. Be sure to move to your new locale on a Saturday. This forces your spouse and ATG to work hard all day Saturday to the point where they are fatigued on Sunday. Try to appear busy at all times on Sunday. It will be difficult, but you can do it.
16. Head to work extra early Monday. Work hard all week.
Presto! House is fully moved into with little or no effort! For more information on my quick and easy steps to moving, please contact me at MOVEIT.org.
UPDATE: I left out a crucial tip. If you have a paralegal, with no legal work due to your change in employment, do send her up to lend a hand to the spouse. This helps the spouse feel likes she's not completely alone. The paralegal may even befriend your spouse which also helps. Paralegals can be very valuable in this role.
2 comments:
Man, I love how AB packed "all by herself"...she's awesome!
you are so witty jake!! haha I want to come see yall's new place soon and bring baby bailey! So glad yall are in town!!
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